For You And Your Potential Spouse
Each of us is created uniquely, with our own strengths and weaknesses, needs, and aspirations. The premarital journey of choosing a spouse can feel intimidating. The decision carries immense weight. Marriage is not simply about companionship, but about committing to someone who will share life's trials, provide support, and be a source of comfort.
In Islam, marriage is far more than a legal contract. It is a sacred covenant rooted in tranquillity (Sakinah), affection (Mawaddah), and mercy (Rahmah), as the Qur'an beautifully reminds us:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy...” (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)
To support you in this important step, here are 10 meaningful questions designed to spark reflection and assess compatibility.
1. What Personal Values are Most Important to You?
Honesty? Modesty? Sincerity? Ambition? Personal values are vast and unique. Whilst outward compatibility matters, it is the alignment of core principles that often determines long-term harmony in marriage. Shared values anchor the relationship. Differences may exist, but knowing which values keep us rooted can make all the difference. You should strive toward being an upright Muslim, one who seeks to invest in their hereafter.
The Prophet r said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 5090)
2. How Does Spirituality Play a Role in Your Life?
This includes both the obligatory and the optional. How does Salah and the remembrance of Allah feature in your daily life? Are you and a potential spouse spiritually aligned in how Islam is integrated beyond the bare minimum? Reflect on your personal connection to spirituality, and how it shapes your choices, priorities, and lifestyle. Remember, spirituality is not only about outward expressions of faith, rather it is about sincerity of the heart and consistency in practice. True spirituality is found more in depth, rather than display.
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, "Whoever possesses the following three qualities will have the sweetness (delight) of faith:
1. The one to whom Allah and His Apostle becomes dearer than anything else.
2. Who loves a person and he loves him only for Allah's sake.
3. Who hates to revert to Atheism (disbelief) as he hates to be thrown into the fire." (Sahih al-Bukhari 16)
3. What are Your Interests and Hobbies?
While shared values in faith is essential, compatibility in interests can also strengthen the bond. Discussing whether you enjoy travel, learning, reading, or community service can highlight how you'll spend your time together and if your personalities complement each other. Remember, the goal isn't to find a mirror image of yourself, but to see how your interests can blend and enrich your relationship. Complement, not match.
“Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them.” (Surah Al Baqarah:187)
4. How Do You Manage Your Finances?
Money can be a sensitive subject, but it is an essential one to discuss. This isn't about prying into bank balances, personal accounts or income, but rather understanding each other's outlook on earning, spending, and saving. The focus should be on whether wealth is managed responsibly and in a Halal manner.
“…And do not spend wastefully. Surely the wasteful are like brothers to the devils. And the Devil is ever ungrateful to his Lord.” (Surah Al-Isra:26-27)
5. What are Your Expectations of a Spouse
(Lifestyle, Household, Financial & Emotional)?
Expectations can be a loaded term. We all carry expectations of ourselves, of society, and of others. The key is to first reflect on whether your expectations are aligned with Islam and whether they are realistic. At times, expectations may swing between extremes – too high and unachievable, or too low with no standards at all. A healthy marriage requires balance, and belief in Allah Ta'ala for the best possible outcome.
“If you happen to dislike them (your wives), you may hate something which Allah turns into a great blessing.” (Surah An-Nisa:19)
6. How Do You React When You are Angry?
Why anger, why not when you're nervous, upset or even joyful? Anger reveals how you and a potential spouse respond in moments of stress, conflict, or discomfort. This question is crucial, as it directly relates to conflict resolution, managing disagreements, and making amends. Reflect honestly: Do I hold grudges? Do I shut down? Am I reactive or quick to lash out? Understand your patterns of behavior, and seek a spouse who shares a willingness to grow and foster emotional maturity together.
Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger." (Sahih al-Bukhari 6114)
7. What are Your Aspirations for the Future?
Some people have a structured vision for their lives, while others take a more 'go-with-the-flow' approach, both reflecting different personalities. Islam encourages us to strive in every aspect of life, making sincere intentions and putting forth our best effort, while trusting that Allah ultimately controls the outcome. The goal isn't to have every detail mapped out, but to nurture meaningful aspirations and intentions, while accepting that the exact path may remain uncertain. Depending on your personality, you may value different ways in which a potential spouse responds.
“And put your trust in Allah, for Allah is sufficient as a Trustee of Affairs.” (Surah Al-Ahzab:3)
8. What are Your Current Living Circumstances?
Beyond simply knowing where a potential spouse lives, it is important to understand their living arrangements; whether they live independently, with family, or otherwise. This question offers insight into their current way of life, daily habits, and general lifestyle. It can also help you gauge how well their circumstances align with your own reasonable expectations for marriage.
“O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may get to know one another.” (Surah Al-Hujurat:13)
9. What is Your Relationship Like with Family Members?
A person's relationship with their immediate and extended family can reflect their character and values. Islam places great emphasis on family ties. Open discussions can highlight how each person views family involvement and boundaries after marriage.
“And We have commanded people to honour their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.” (Surah Luqman:14)
10. What Values Do You Feel are Most Important in Instilling in a Child?
Our vision of a functional society rests on the principles we choose to instill in the next generation. Children are a legacy, and the responsibility of raising them with strong values cannot be overstated. Even if parenthood is not an immediate reality, it is important to consider what qualities you deem essential in a spouse as a future parent. These characteristics will shape not only your children but also the kind of family environment you and your spouse create together.
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, "All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of the house of her husband and she is responsible. Each of you is a shepherd and each is responsible for his flock." (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 212)
Marriage is not the destination but a beautiful journey that encourages teamwork, companionship and nurturing.
DUA FOR A RIGHTEOUS SPOUSE AND CHILDREN
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِيْنَ إِمَامًا
Rabbana hablana min azwaajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata a'yunin waj'alna lil- muttaqina imama
“Our Lord! Bless us with pious spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” (Surah Al-Ankabut:74)
